Introduction
If your child regularly expresses doubt in their abilities, believes they are less capable than than their peers or frequently makes self-critical statements like “I’m stupid” then they are likely to be struggling with their self-esteem. Other indicators of low self-esteem include being very sensitive to criticism and frequently seeking validation and reassurance. Children with low self-esteem also tend to withdraw socially and avoid trying new activities, fearing failure or embarrassment.
The link between self-esteem and mental health is well-established. High self-esteem can protect against the development of mental health problems (act as a buffer). Low self-esteem more than doubles the risk of anxiety and increases the risk of depression four- to six-fold. In addition, low self-esteem can develop as a result of mental health problems.
Causes for Low Self-Esteem and the Impact of Neurodivergence
Parents often unfairly blame themselves when their children struggle. Besides the significant influence of genetic factors on low self-esteem (it is partly inherited), there are many psychological and social factors which contribute to the development of low self-esteem. The most up-to-date psychological therapies recognise that adverse interpersonal experiences are key for the development of low self-esteem. These experiences include rejection, exclusion, victimisation, abuse, inadequate or conditional affection or praise, or criticism by others.
We know from research that neurodivergent children typically are more likely to have low-self esteem compared to their neurotypical peers. For example, almost half of children with ADHD (on medication or not) had self-esteem issues while only less than 10% without ADHD did. Around 40% of children with autism had self-esteem issues.
Several factors contribute to this, including social challenges, academic difficulties, and internalization of negative feedback. By the age of 7 or 8 most neurodiverse children are aware of their difficulties and often start to compare themselves unfavourably to their peers or to their ‘ideal self’. Neurodivergent children are more likely to receive criticism from parents, teachers and other adults or face social exclusion from peers because of their behaviour, or their differences.. Children’s self esteem is particularly affected by the reactions of their peers which can begin at a young age but becomes particularly powerful as children get older, especially as they move into adolescence. Problematic peer relationships, especially being socially excluded or subjected to bullying, are particularly strongly associated with low self-esteem.
How can we help children with low self-esteem?
Because children’s brains and their sense of self is developing, it is much easier to help them build their self-esteem than adults. The most helpful approach is to focus on changing the maintenance cycle by helping the child to develop new attitudes and behaviours in a step-by-step manner. Rather than trying to unravel how the difficulties arose, psychologists will focus on the way the child has got ‘stuck’ in a pattern of lacking confidence in their abilities, being overly sensitive to the things that go ‘wrong’ and the opinions of peers and others, and then withdrawing from new activities or social situations. This becomes a vicious cycle, the more the child withdraws the more they believe that they are not capable or worthy. (See figure 1 below)
A child may have low self-esteem in general but still recognise that they are good at something and feel proud of their achievements in a particular area (e.g. music or sports). Other children may only have low self-esteem in a particular area (e.g., academics). Achieving change usually requires ‘foundational’ work such as boosting coping strategies and resilience, as well as specific action in the self-esteem area of concern.
While criticism is harmful and praise is generally beneficial, lots of affirmation/ praise for a particular skill or attribute doesn’t generalise into other areas. Many children with low self-esteem will also dismiss or downplay any praise they receive and magnify any feedback regarding areas for improvement (i.e. focus on their perceived ‘failures’). We also know from research that praise about a particular innate ability (e.g. "You’re so clever") can backfire by promoting fear of failure. Praising a child’s effort (e.g. "You worked really hard") is more effective in building resilience and self-esteem. Besides directly focusing on the processes underlying low self-esteem such as the evaluation of the self against external standards or in comparison to others, it is also useful to help the child to develop a kind and accepting attitude toward themself, particularly during times of difficulty or failure (i.e. ‘self-compassion’).
Research shows that an individual’s self-worth arises from two types of needs: i) the need for agency (competence and autonomy) and ii) the need for community and relationships. While building a child’s self-esteem, it is therefore important to foster both the child’s need for competence and autonomy, as well as their need to be valued and accepted by others.
Our Self-Esteem Programme is designed with this approach.
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